whenever u wear the shirts, the zara polo that i gave u, do u think abt me? whenever ur out at ur balcony right in front of the bay, having breakfast or smoking, do u remember when i was standing there with u?... i never asked u to stay, i never asked u to tell me some particular words (i'm allergic to them), and i never wanted to get stuck in a commitment. but i got stuck on u anyway..... not really sad right now, i'm completely fine on my own and i've never been better. but i'm jst thinking abt what i felt i've been missing, all these years until now.... this song and music video, jst like all the memories, have come back after all these years like it were jst yesterday... it also makes me smile to remember anyway....
la lunga tortuosa e strada...
sometimes, no matter how far u've gone, all the miles u've driven, the oceans u've flown over, and the mountains u went thru, u cld still find urself back on the same road anyway. in fact, u never even really left before. because u still live with the memory of a ghost that u've been trying so hard to hold on for the longest time.... a ghost who still wears the shirts u gave him after all these years....
abt 4 years ago when he came home from work, i was already at sofitel waiting. when he got in the door i jumped on him, and then after he put me down i said i really liked the shirt he was wearing. then he jst took it off, stripped it off right there and then, and handed it to me saying it was mine. i said no, i meant that i really like the way that he looked in the shirt but i shldnt take it so he cld always wear it and look really hot and gwapo. he said no, he wanted me to have it, so i wld always remember him. which is why i bought him a polo from zara, to replace his zara polo that he gave me... and after almost 3 years now that i havent seen or spoken to him, i saw this morning the navy blue zara polo and the other black tiesto shirt that i gave him, hanging in his wardrobe closet with laundry tags dated june 2012....
now, i am abt a hundred miles away in never neverland, but still thinking abt u and how i am really happy to know that u still like them. and i also still wear and use ur baby blue zara polo that u gave me. but soon i will be leaving this road for good, the road thats always led me to ur hotel suite and ur door all these years. and there really will be no chance that we'll ever see each other again. but ur shirt will always be on my pillow, or on me when its cold. and i will always think of and remember u, my dear captvasilis...
sorry that i have to cut u short now before u cld even start, but u r uninvited to this party. the world is too full of all us wishful thinkers and hollowed hearts already, there's no need for another one...
i'm thankful for them all-time favorite movies, i will always have the flowers....
time is so capricious, so fickle, and so abstrusely abysimal... on a discussion last week with a friend i was told that 2mos is a long time, and i said no it wasnt. then thinking abt it again later, i realized yes its right 2mos does seem to be a long time. looking back now, to those days in may when i had the sun and the unbearably warm light on my skin, it feels like those days were so far away now in the past, and before was so so many years ago already. it is so so far away now.. but its only been 2mos, its not been so long really. me and my distorted sense of time.... its got me thinking and wondering, if i will ever get to accomplish my dreams (not all but at least some of my great dreams), do i have enough time? it feels like the ridiculous days just go on and on forever in a neverending loop of stupidity. but then maybe, its not really gonna be so much time after all...
but anyways i'm glad, now and until the end of these ridiculous and stupid days, that i have the few great people in my life that i cld share these days with and have to be there with me while i laugh at this joke of an existence. these people who could so fantastically surprise me, with things like when i start to talk abt how much i'm into this aria by villa-lobos now, and she knows exactly what it is that i'm talking abt and even be able to correct me abt something. these people who never know how much they mean to me... and how dare you mrs leonard, how dare you use pachelbel's song in your book and just place it in passing. how dare you, its such a great song and i believe it deserves more than that. but thank you anyways for reminding me of how much i need this song right now. and anybody who says its otherwisely awesome does not have any taste or class, and i will beat them to shit until they like it and revere it.... because it IS a great song, that tells us without words, that the beauty in this pathetic existence is that even in the bleakly resounding sadness light could still shine on man's sullen soul...
... and in time when you look back, you'll see the good and the bad mix in a spectrum of shades that is life... and it is splendid....
the art of folding paper, one of the best ideas ever conceived by man. who would think one can get such a sense of calm and contentment with such a simple an activity. its amazing how a flat piece of paper can be turned, not only into a shape but also into a multi-dimensional surface, where a sheet could be packed so efficiently and tightly into a tenth of its size. and with each folding of the paper numerous thoughts unravel, and with the smoothing of creases comes a feeling of peace and gladness... unfortunately the prolonged weekend mania with this momentary peace and satisfaction leaves a digusting mess all over the floor and everywhere in the room. such a disgusting mess... but its where i'd rather be, locked in my room, with all the paper i could find and all my books, safe. locked in here, safe.. away from the atrocious evil monsters who lurk out there.. and the world also safe from me...
"music hath the charms to soothe a savage beast..."
and the little butterfly-winged pixies, perched on their sparkly flowers that grow in the empyrean, they whisper, goad and tease... "yes you deserved it.... because you are a stupid fool.. you deserved it.... and you will never find what you are looking for..."
the most comfortable place ever, is here in between these two solid walls. here in my own little space, the darkness giving its peace to the solitude. and the cold and solid feel of the smooth concrete on my naked skin and wet cheek, in this silence and stillness... it feels so good so soothing.... i feel so exhausted, so drained...
winceing fool, so stupid a fucking idiot... and this unfathomable void....
most believe its the ghosts of the past that are scary. but whats really terrifying are the ghosts of the present. and its not the monsters in front of you, or the one a million miles away who could inflict so much pain. the dreadful is that little monster living in your head.
la tristesse dureras toujours....
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