Agoraphobia
What it feels like... I've been there enough times, to know... What it feels like... I remember how it feels like.....
I knew they were just doors and gates, and walls that you can walk thru, and jump over... Boundaries, that i can easily overcome...
And i wasnt afraid... They were just doors....
What bothered me was the walls i built around my mind... To keep me safe..... And i was strong, and i was safe.....
Doors arent meant to keep you in... They were meant to keep everyone else out, and keep you safe....
Ataraxia 190930
Lux Aterna....
Lux Aeterna
See i'm not supposed to be alive right now... I could count all the handful of times i should have already died.. Since i was little... But i'm still here.... And for what?...
I could imagine, when i was young, and the time that they had pulled me out of the pool and i was already blue, and my dad was trying to beat my chest to ressucitate me..... I imagined that there was a great battle between the stars then...... Well the stars couldnt settle their dispute, so the universe split into two......
For a while now, and mostly for the past year or so, i've been haunted by dreams... By dreams and memories of the lifetimes.... Of lifetimes that i realize now, that ive never had...
And in every single one of them you were in it... Like the one on one of them, you and your guards had finally caught up to me and got me, the little thief... And while you were deliberating what to do with me, and your guards had their backs turned, i ran... And jumped off the cliff...... I could still remember the sound of your voice while you were shouting after me...
But it was never real...
Like my memory of last month, when i asked you about you supposedly telling me about the chaos theory, and i sat, drinking, listening to every word you said.....
But i'm not sure anymore which memory was, or wasnt real....
Just like i'm not sure anymore if i'm supposed to be here right now....
Maybe in another lifetime, you, and i would be real...
But i know now, this isnt the one... Because in this life, i'm the girl who died empty and lonely... I was a girl in this life, who had all of the monsters screaming in my head, all the time... Telling me in this life I'm the girl who died of a broken heart......
And maybe, tomorrow, maybe in this lifetime tomorrow you'll wake up, just like all the people who knew me would wake up.. And you would just remember me as a dream... Not a memory, but just... A deja vu... Of something they try, but just couldnt remember....
And all the world and universe would be right... Just because i wasnt here anymore... Because i never really existed....
Maybe in another lifetime they would... And maybe, in another lifetime the monsters would stop screaming in my head that they'd come for me.... Maybe... in a parallel universe, where i'd meet you for the first time again, and i'd see you and i'd think to myself, could anything be more perfect... And then finally, i'd realize, in that moment, all would be still, and all would be quiet..... Because i was finally supposed to be here... And then i'd finally truly feel.... Happy, and at peace....
The pain...
Its feels like... The highest of highs, and the lowest of lows... Like a rollercoaster.... One day you feel like you're at the top of the mountain, feeling the warm sun on your skin.. And then for some reason you're triggered, then the next moment you just go crashing down.. And you end up bouncing off the walls screaming your head off, because everything hurts... From the tips of your hair, to the voices echoing in your head, and the air you breathe in....
- At times, it feels like a warm blanket.. Other times, you feel trapped in a nightmare...... You end up appearing like a tornado, destroying everything in your path.. And once the tornado has begun, you are hard to reach... You are a warrior, in a dark forest with no compass, and you're unable to tell who the actual enemy is..... So you never feel safe... -
He said, "i've never been afraid in my life..."... I just looked at him and laughed.... Because ive been terrified, my entire life....
Ataraxia 190925..
The quiet room.....
The thing is, i realize now, you can talk about some things, and maybe, it'll get better... Like addiction and alcoholism, and depression, and wanting to kill yourself.... Just talking about it makes you feel better.... And maybe you WILL get better...
But there are some things... No matter how much you talk about it, how many times you've retold it hoping they'd understand... Its never going to be changed, and its never going away.... You can try, but every time, it just hurts, and... Well no one ever really wants to hear about it.. Not THAT sob story.....
Its never going to be ok....
And that fucking look on their faces just always sucks
... Even if you dont look them in the eyes, you can feel it
... The fear... The pity and sadness... Then also sometimes the disgust...
"we dont talk about it, we dont tell people.... "
And you'll never forget it either.... You cant ever really forget..... And you can try to drink, to try to forget it, and it would work at first, until you start needing more and more, just to forget... And sometimes, if you just drink enough, and if you push too far and dig too deep, past all the other pain and booze you've tried to bury it with, right through to behind your consciousness, you'll end up hitting it again... And realize you're still just in a waking nightmare...
Still...
And that you're really just all alone....
************
Why are you drinking? - the little prince asked.
- In order to forget - replied the drunkard.
************
All tapped out...
Maybe... Just maybe...
We feel empty... Because...
We leave pieces of ourselves in the memory of the things we used to love... "
Ataraxia 19092002
Hi, my name is Anne...
I guess you're probly wondering what someone like me is doing in a place like this...
Well the thing is, i was wondering, how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, until i realize, enough is enough?
See i've repeated it to people over and over, "i'm not an alcoholic, i swear"... I guess the truth is that i was just trying to convince myself that the painful truth is just a lie...
But how many times.. How many times, do i have to repeat it to myself to convince myself... That the reality is, maybe this time, i've really finally hit rock bottom... No....
The rock bottom was when, yesterday something came up, reality hit, and i've been trying to be sober, but all i could think about in that point in time was that i cant deal with this sober...
And rock bottom was when, last night i basically destroyed who i was, i decimatwd my soul, in front of all my friends.. I basically told myself fuck that, and smashed my soul to bits... No, rock bottom was when i told everyone to basically fuck off. The people who love me, and who i love... That they could all just go and fuck themselves...
And rock bottom was when, last week i let the brand new bottle of rum, i clumsily dropped it and the bottle shattered all over the floor.. And i was considering if i should lick the booze off from the floor coz it was sayang, but then i cut myself when i tried to pick up the shards... And the cut wouldnt stop bleeding for some time.. But i still managed to have another bottle bought....
And rock bottom was the week before that, when i slipped going down the stairs, and went sliding and skidding, till i smashed my face on the concrete.. Yeah good thing it was the concrete, coz a few inches and my face would have smashed into glass... And i had a concussion for a few days, but fuck it, i didnt really feel pukey enough so i could still drink...
And rock bottom was when... And when... And when....
No.....
Rock bottom was last night, when someone told me (one of the people i told they can go fuck themselves.. Well they told me,
"I hope that someday soon you're able to come to terms with whatever it is that's causing you to self-medicate to the degree that you do."
... And all the times, all the rock bottoms, just hit me like a train.. Including that rock bottom that literally hit me in the head... No, the rock bottom before that...
.... Its enough, please.. its enough...
Please, its enough...
On another negative feedback loop....
The last time i posted this song was... Wait, i cant access it anymore.. Fuck you google!
Anyway if i were to guess, the last time i was listening to this song was around almost around the same time last year... After... Around after the hands came at me.. Those hands.. And then they threw me around, and i remember the sound of my voice screaming "GET OUT!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!".. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE!! Before i let the guards drag you out, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TOWER!!"...
Anyway... Well that time, i felt like i was rock bottom...
And times are different now... But still..... How many times do you have to hit rock bottom till you realize enough is enough?....
But still..... The tears still keep flowing...
When will this end?
It goes on and on,
Over and over, and over again..
It keeps spinning around,
I know that this wont stop,
Till i get down from this..
.. For good...
-_-
"I hope that someday soon you're able to come to terms with whatever it is that's causing you to self-medicate to the degree that you do."
Ataraxia 19092001
The chaos theory...
Reverberating and fluttering in my soul, just like the million pieces my memory of you has, been.. Shattered into a million pieces..... Another sliver of which, has embedded in my heart...
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