Love dont live here anymore... Well, it never really did exist...
I was considering continuing my thoughts on here, but have been bothered with the disconnects and shifts... And i wanted to start anew.. I want to start anew..... I also wanted this to be an evolution of me, but i realized i was never really one for attachments.. I've always been terrified of attachments... And i needed to start anew sometime ago already anyway....
And so, love dont live here anymore... If you really knew me, and if you ever really cared, you'd know where to find me..... But no one ever will, and yes thats my fault too. I am locking away another part of my mind, to confuse people so no one would ever really find me. I enjoy the solitude of the little dark corners of my mind too much. Coz at least in the dark solitude of my mind i feel safe, knowing i wouldnt have to face a single person, or be in the midst of all these people, and then realize that i was all alone after all.... At least in my own dark solitude i have my tears to keep me company....
And so thus i bid you, farewell thee well, love, for you were never here....
What it feels like... It feel like screaming your head off in pain, but no one else could hear, no one else could understand how much it hurts, and you're left all alone screaming inside your own head, screamibg thru the pain... It hurts so much, an excruciating pain and i want to kill myself just to end it all... Just to end all the pain i feel...
If i could, I'd live in the moment i met you.....
Not that it meant anything big, and people nowadays deny my memories. But i remember the day i met you, almost as clear as day...
Teetering down the club steps in my heels, you werent the first person i met, chatted with drunk wasted guys, and you were one of those drunk wasted guys... I excused myself so many times, coz eventually I'd get bored.. And the club was built as a circle, and after i tried to put myself together in the bathroom.. Teetering down the steps on my heels, walkind around the circle, and id run into you over and over again... Excused myself after a while after chatting, over and over again......
Until i found my back against the wall, then there was you.... It was late and the club was closing. You told me you and your friends were leaving...... Then you grabbed my hand, and told me i was leaving... Teetering up the steps.... I dont exactly remember what you said to me, but i was laughing my head off when we go out of the club.... I dont remember when i took my shoes off, but i was driving barefoot out of the parking lot...
Then the next morning, i remember waking up with a headache, opened the curtains and the window to your balcony, looked down on tje street... And suddenly remembered where i was......
Then, years on, i remember when you pulled me out of the bar, grabbed my hand and pulled me thru the Makati sidewalk, then stopped, under a streetlight, and kissed me... And right then i felt like i remembered lifetimes with you.....
I know we've had so many lifetimes together... And i'm sorry you dont realize it, that this time you're about to lose me again.... I dont know why you messaged me again, after so much time, just perfect time when... i was all alone....
I hope you realize it before its too late.... All these years, and all these lifetimes, and i'm tired.... Im so tired of this lifetime, and i hope you realize its too late, that i need you, and im so tired now without you, and i'm sorry but i'm so lonely.....i hope you realize it before its too late....
You're about to lose me again..... Help, save me.....
Very few people, actually consider what other people would be like and say in their funeral... Been figuring out who would actually say what for about 2? 3? Hours now....
But in the end, i guess all they would say was, "She seemed happy, she was always laughing..."
"She had everything... But perhaps it meant nothing, because in the end she died alone...."
Well, i never truly understood as well, how fucking people so stupid could exist longer than myself, when they should have technically been defined as retard autistics, and yet they still survive, and flourish on this earth....
But anyway...
I have... Had... Have, a playlist for my funeral, and if fucking shit autistic retards don't get it... Well my sister would get it, and she'd somehow understand why i want to have this song played, as they lower me to the ground.... She'll get it
.... She'd get it....
She'd accept, at least that this is the song i loved in the end...
That despite everything... In the end, despite the fact that she never realized just how miserable i was, that i was always terrified my entire life... And i was always miserable, just by being alive.... That i was also happy.......
(cueue the memory flashback of my life).....
For the damaged...
I dont think i'll ever find the guy who could kiss all my scars... I dont think he'll ever get there, no matter how perfect he would be... Nobody can ever manage to reach beyond the screaming hurricane, and beyond all the metal walls with spikes, and all the raging frost...
Nobody... Nobody can ever save me now...
And in the end, all this time, beside me is the little girl whispering, the walls wont save you... Nothing will save you... Coz there's no one, there never was, and there never will be... And you're all alone amongst all the screaming voices of memories in your head.... You were just really all alone, all this time....
Make it easier..... You'll learn to say when...
Signal when you cant breathe, no more.....
Ataraxia 191003
In the eye of the storm...
I woke up to a booming thunder, and realized there was a storm raging outside. But when i finally walked out of the door to the back porch, i found the mid afternoon bright and sunny... Well semi bright.. But the light still hurt my eyes. And the raucous chirping of those damn birds hurt my brain....
When i sat down to gulp my coffee i looked out to the garden and realized the destruction around me.. Leaves everywhere, and fallen trees....
Then within a few minutes everything turned dark again, the sound of the chirping birds and insects all stopped. Thought to myself we must be near the eyewall already. I was listening to the howling wind in the distance, waiting for the sirens to start blaring, when i realized...
What i thought was howling wind actually sounded like my voice screaming in the deep recesses of the back of my mind....
My mind's eyes i suddenly saw myself back up in my high lonely tower, trapped, screaming my head off as i watched everything around me decimated into shattered pieces...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As i walked up the the curb and made my way to the dark alley, there was this guy, some junkie, sitting on the corner of the alleyway who stood up to stop me..
"Where do you think you're going?"
I pointed to the darkness in the alley. "There."
He looked at the little girl in front of him and smiled a shit eating smile..
"You cant go there, you're a princess. And people like you dont go to places like that."
He gave a hearty laugh, then this time smiled like he was going to eat me. Then he looked into my eyes, and stopped laughing.
"Your eyes.. "
For a moment, fear went across his face, which quickly turned to menace.
"My irises are twice as big as they should be? And twice as dark?"
My turn to laugh the sinister laugh i've always loved.
"I took a long time, and great pains, to make sure nobody ever sees whats behind my eyes ever again."
Then i smiled, a smile that i loved seeing on my face. The smile that both terrified me as the sound of a thousand souls screaming, and made me feel.... Happy....
But it made him run away.... Tsk, too bad....
Ataraxia 190930
Agoraphobia
What it feels like... I've been there enough times, to know... What it feels like... I remember how it feels like.....
I knew they were just doors and gates, and walls that you can walk thru, and jump over... Boundaries, that i can easily overcome...
And i wasnt afraid... They were just doors....
What bothered me was the walls i built around my mind... To keep me safe..... And i was strong, and i was safe.....
Doors arent meant to keep you in... They were meant to keep everyone else out, and keep you safe....
Lux Aterna....
Lux Aeterna
See i'm not supposed to be alive right now... I could count all the handful of times i should have already died.. Since i was little... But i'm still here.... And for what?...
I could imagine, when i was young, and the time that they had pulled me out of the pool and i was already blue, and my dad was trying to beat my chest to ressucitate me..... I imagined that there was a great battle between the stars then...... Well the stars couldnt settle their dispute, so the universe split into two......
For a while now, and mostly for the past year or so, i've been haunted by dreams... By dreams and memories of the lifetimes.... Of lifetimes that i realize now, that ive never had...
And in every single one of them you were in it... Like the one on one of them, you and your guards had finally caught up to me and got me, the little thief... And while you were deliberating what to do with me, and your guards had their backs turned, i ran... And jumped off the cliff...... I could still remember the sound of your voice while you were shouting after me...
But it was never real...
Like my memory of last month, when i asked you about you supposedly telling me about the chaos theory, and i sat, drinking, listening to every word you said.....
But i'm not sure anymore which memory was, or wasnt real....
Just like i'm not sure anymore if i'm supposed to be here right now....
Maybe in another lifetime, you, and i would be real...
But i know now, this isnt the one... Because in this life, i'm the girl who died empty and lonely... I was a girl in this life, who had all of the monsters screaming in my head, all the time... Telling me in this life I'm the girl who died of a broken heart......
And maybe, tomorrow, maybe in this lifetime tomorrow you'll wake up, just like all the people who knew me would wake up.. And you would just remember me as a dream... Not a memory, but just... A deja vu... Of something they try, but just couldnt remember....
And all the world and universe would be right... Just because i wasnt here anymore... Because i never really existed....
Maybe in another lifetime they would... And maybe, in another lifetime the monsters would stop screaming in my head that they'd come for me.... Maybe... in a parallel universe, where i'd meet you for the first time again, and i'd see you and i'd think to myself, could anything be more perfect... And then finally, i'd realize, in that moment, all would be still, and all would be quiet..... Because i was finally supposed to be here... And then i'd finally truly feel.... Happy, and at peace....
The pain...
Its feels like... The highest of highs, and the lowest of lows... Like a rollercoaster.... One day you feel like you're at the top of the mountain, feeling the warm sun on your skin.. And then for some reason you're triggered, then the next moment you just go crashing down.. And you end up bouncing off the walls screaming your head off, because everything hurts... From the tips of your hair, to the voices echoing in your head, and the air you breathe in....
- At times, it feels like a warm blanket.. Other times, you feel trapped in a nightmare...... You end up appearing like a tornado, destroying everything in your path.. And once the tornado has begun, you are hard to reach... You are a warrior, in a dark forest with no compass, and you're unable to tell who the actual enemy is..... So you never feel safe... -
He said, "i've never been afraid in my life..."... I just looked at him and laughed.... Because ive been terrified, my entire life....
Ataraxia 190925..
The quiet room.....
The thing is, i realize now, you can talk about some things, and maybe, it'll get better... Like addiction and alcoholism, and depression, and wanting to kill yourself.... Just talking about it makes you feel better.... And maybe you WILL get better...
But there are some things... No matter how much you talk about it, how many times you've retold it hoping they'd understand... Its never going to be changed, and its never going away.... You can try, but every time, it just hurts, and... Well no one ever really wants to hear about it.. Not THAT sob story.....
Its never going to be ok....
And that fucking look on their faces just always sucks
... Even if you dont look them in the eyes, you can feel it
... The fear... The pity and sadness... Then also sometimes the disgust...
"we dont talk about it, we dont tell people.... "
And you'll never forget it either.... You cant ever really forget..... And you can try to drink, to try to forget it, and it would work at first, until you start needing more and more, just to forget... And sometimes, if you just drink enough, and if you push too far and dig too deep, past all the other pain and booze you've tried to bury it with, right through to behind your consciousness, you'll end up hitting it again... And realize you're still just in a waking nightmare...
Still...
And that you're really just all alone....
************
Why are you drinking? - the little prince asked.
- In order to forget - replied the drunkard.
************
All tapped out...
Maybe... Just maybe...
We feel empty... Because...
We leave pieces of ourselves in the memory of the things we used to love... "
Ataraxia 19092002
Hi, my name is Anne...
I guess you're probly wondering what someone like me is doing in a place like this...
Well the thing is, i was wondering, how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, until i realize, enough is enough?
See i've repeated it to people over and over, "i'm not an alcoholic, i swear"... I guess the truth is that i was just trying to convince myself that the painful truth is just a lie...
But how many times.. How many times, do i have to repeat it to myself to convince myself... That the reality is, maybe this time, i've really finally hit rock bottom... No....
The rock bottom was when, yesterday something came up, reality hit, and i've been trying to be sober, but all i could think about in that point in time was that i cant deal with this sober...
And rock bottom was when, last night i basically destroyed who i was, i decimatwd my soul, in front of all my friends.. I basically told myself fuck that, and smashed my soul to bits... No, rock bottom was when i told everyone to basically fuck off. The people who love me, and who i love... That they could all just go and fuck themselves...
And rock bottom was when, last week i let the brand new bottle of rum, i clumsily dropped it and the bottle shattered all over the floor.. And i was considering if i should lick the booze off from the floor coz it was sayang, but then i cut myself when i tried to pick up the shards... And the cut wouldnt stop bleeding for some time.. But i still managed to have another bottle bought....
And rock bottom was the week before that, when i slipped going down the stairs, and went sliding and skidding, till i smashed my face on the concrete.. Yeah good thing it was the concrete, coz a few inches and my face would have smashed into glass... And i had a concussion for a few days, but fuck it, i didnt really feel pukey enough so i could still drink...
And rock bottom was when... And when... And when....
No.....
Rock bottom was last night, when someone told me (one of the people i told they can go fuck themselves.. Well they told me,
"I hope that someday soon you're able to come to terms with whatever it is that's causing you to self-medicate to the degree that you do."
... And all the times, all the rock bottoms, just hit me like a train.. Including that rock bottom that literally hit me in the head... No, the rock bottom before that...
.... Its enough, please.. its enough...
Please, its enough...
On another negative feedback loop....
The last time i posted this song was... Wait, i cant access it anymore.. Fuck you google!
Anyway if i were to guess, the last time i was listening to this song was around almost around the same time last year... After... Around after the hands came at me.. Those hands.. And then they threw me around, and i remember the sound of my voice screaming "GET OUT!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!".. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE!! Before i let the guards drag you out, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TOWER!!"...
Anyway... Well that time, i felt like i was rock bottom...
And times are different now... But still..... How many times do you have to hit rock bottom till you realize enough is enough?....
But still..... The tears still keep flowing...
When will this end?
It goes on and on,
Over and over, and over again..
It keeps spinning around,
I know that this wont stop,
Till i get down from this..
.. For good...
-_-
"I hope that someday soon you're able to come to terms with whatever it is that's causing you to self-medicate to the degree that you do."
Ataraxia 19092001
The chaos theory...
Reverberating and fluttering in my soul, just like the million pieces my memory of you has, been.. Shattered into a million pieces..... Another sliver of which, has embedded in my heart...