Very few people, actually consider what other people would be like and say in their funeral... Been figuring out who would actually say what for about 2? 3? Hours now....

But in the end, i guess all they would say was, "She seemed happy, she was always laughing..."

"She had everything... But perhaps it meant nothing, because in the end she died alone...."

Well, i never truly understood as well, how fucking people so stupid could exist longer than myself, when they should have technically been defined as retard autistics, and yet they still survive, and flourish on this earth....

But anyway...

I have... Had... Have, a playlist for my funeral, and if fucking shit autistic retards don't get it... Well my sister would get it, and she'd somehow understand why i want to have this song played, as they lower me to the ground.... She'll get it .... She'd get it....

She'd accept, at least that this is the song i loved in the end...

That despite everything... In the end, despite the fact that she never realized just how miserable i was, that i was always terrified my entire life... And i was always miserable, just by being alive.... That i was also happy.......


(cueue the memory flashback of my life).....

For the damaged...

I dont think i'll ever find the guy who could kiss all my scars... I dont think he'll ever get there, no matter how perfect he would be... Nobody can ever manage to reach beyond the screaming hurricane, and beyond all the metal walls with spikes, and all the raging frost...

Nobody... Nobody can ever save me now...

And in the end, all this time, beside me is the little girl whispering, the walls wont save you... Nothing will save you... Coz there's no one, there never was, and there never will be... And you're all alone amongst all the screaming voices of memories in your head.... You were just really all alone, all this time....

Make it easier..... You'll learn to say when...

Signal when you cant breathe, no more.....

Ataraxia 191003

In the eye of the storm...


I woke up to a booming thunder, and realized there was a storm raging outside. But when i finally walked out of the door to the back porch, i found the mid afternoon bright and sunny... Well semi bright.. But the light still hurt my eyes. And the raucous chirping of those damn birds hurt my brain....

When i sat down to gulp my coffee i looked out to the garden and realized the destruction around me.. Leaves everywhere, and fallen trees....

Then within a few minutes everything turned dark again, the sound of the chirping birds and insects all stopped. Thought to myself we must be near the eyewall already. I was listening to the howling wind in the distance, waiting for the sirens to start blaring, when i realized...

What i thought was howling wind actually sounded like my voice screaming in the deep recesses of the back of my mind....

My mind's eyes i suddenly saw myself back up in my high lonely tower, trapped, screaming my head off as i watched everything around me decimated into shattered pieces...




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


As i walked up the the curb and made my way to the dark alley, there was this guy, some junkie, sitting on the corner of the alleyway who stood up to stop me..

"Where do you think you're going?"

I pointed to the darkness in the alley. "There."

He looked at the little girl in front of him and smiled a shit eating smile..

"You cant go there, you're a princess. And people like you dont go to places like that."

He gave a hearty laugh, then this time smiled like he was going to eat me. Then he looked into my eyes, and stopped laughing.

"Your eyes.. "

For a moment, fear went across his face, which quickly turned to menace.

"My irises are twice as big as they should be? And twice as dark?"

My turn to laugh the sinister laugh i've always loved.

"I took a long time, and great pains, to make sure nobody ever sees whats behind my eyes ever again."

Then i smiled, a smile that i loved seeing on my face. The smile that both terrified me as the sound of a thousand souls screaming, and made me feel.... Happy....

But it made him run away.... Tsk, too bad....