through the clouds and through the elven stars,
i see myself, hovering above the tips of the blades of grass
fluttering, flying, playing.....
slowly rising up the leaves, to atop the bright and colorful flowers
sparkling with joy and gladness, free......

Bibilios

  • Emily the Strange
  • The Little Prince
  • Hope for the Flowers
  • The Velveteen Rabbit
  • The Alchemist
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows

Music

  • Tiesto, Chicane, PVD, Armin Van Buuren, Benny Benassi....
  • Chillout Projects, The Lounge Story, Jakatta, Zero-7, Nina Simone....
  • Sublime, 311, Marley (course!)...
  • Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi, Tchaikovsky, Strauss...
  • Kjwan, Urbandub, Wolfgang, Session Road....
  • Evanescence, Deftones, Korn, Audioslave....
  • STP, RCHP, Pearl Jam, DMB, Silverchair....
  • i listen to too much music.... -_-

Movies

  • What Dreams May Come
  • Hackers
  • The Thomas Crown Affair
  • Pan's Labyrinth
  • Labyrinth
  • Legend
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Romeo & Juliet
  • Moulin Rouge
  • 50 1st Dates
  • My Sassy Girl =}
  • Euro Trip
  • Mean Girls

Love dont live here anymore... Well, it never really did exist...

I was considering continuing my thoughts on here, but have been bothered with the disconnects and shifts... And i wanted to start anew.. I want to start anew..... I also wanted this to be an evolution of me, but i realized i was never really one for attachments.. I've always been terrified of attachments... And i needed to start anew sometime ago already anyway....

And so, love dont live here anymore... If you really knew me, and if you ever really cared, you'd know where to find me..... But no one ever will, and yes thats my fault too. I am locking away another part of my mind, to confuse people so no one would ever really find me. I enjoy the solitude of the little dark corners of my mind too much. Coz at least in the dark solitude of my mind i feel safe, knowing i wouldnt have to face a single person, or be in the midst of all these people, and then realize that i was all alone after all.... At least in my own dark solitude i have my tears to keep me company....

And so thus i bid you, farewell thee well, love, for you were never here....

What it feels like... It feel like screaming your head off in pain, but no one else could hear, no one else could understand how much it hurts, and you're left all alone screaming inside your own head, screamibg thru the pain... It hurts so much, an excruciating pain and i want to kill myself just to end it all... Just to end all the pain i feel...

If i could, I'd live in the moment i met you..... Not that it meant anything big, and people nowadays deny my memories. But i remember the day i met you, almost as clear as day... Teetering down the club steps in my heels, you werent the first person i met, chatted with drunk wasted guys, and you were one of those drunk wasted guys... I excused myself so many times, coz eventually I'd get bored.. And the club was built as a circle, and after i tried to put myself together in the bathroom.. Teetering down the steps on my heels, walkind around the circle, and id run into you over and over again... Excused myself after a while after chatting, over and over again...... Until i found my back against the wall, then there was you.... It was late and the club was closing. You told me you and your friends were leaving...... Then you grabbed my hand, and told me i was leaving... Teetering up the steps.... I dont exactly remember what you said to me, but i was laughing my head off when we go out of the club.... I dont remember when i took my shoes off, but i was driving barefoot out of the parking lot... Then the next morning, i remember waking up with a headache, opened the curtains and the window to your balcony, looked down on tje street... And suddenly remembered where i was...... Then, years on, i remember when you pulled me out of the bar, grabbed my hand and pulled me thru the Makati sidewalk, then stopped, under a streetlight, and kissed me... And right then i felt like i remembered lifetimes with you..... I know we've had so many lifetimes together... And i'm sorry you dont realize it, that this time you're about to lose me again.... I dont know why you messaged me again, after so much time, just perfect time when... i was all alone.... I hope you realize it before its too late.... All these years, and all these lifetimes, and i'm tired.... Im so tired of this lifetime, and i hope you realize its too late, that i need you, and im so tired now without you, and i'm sorry but i'm so lonely.....i hope you realize it before its too late.... You're about to lose me again..... Help, save me.....


Very few people, actually consider what other people would be like and say in their funeral... Been figuring out who would actually say what for about 2? 3? Hours now....

But in the end, i guess all they would say was, "She seemed happy, she was always laughing..."

"She had everything... But perhaps it meant nothing, because in the end she died alone...."

Well, i never truly understood as well, how fucking people so stupid could exist longer than myself, when they should have technically been defined as retard autistics, and yet they still survive, and flourish on this earth....

But anyway...

I have... Had... Have, a playlist for my funeral, and if fucking shit autistic retards don't get it... Well my sister would get it, and she'd somehow understand why i want to have this song played, as they lower me to the ground.... She'll get it .... She'd get it....

She'd accept, at least that this is the song i loved in the end...

That despite everything... In the end, despite the fact that she never realized just how miserable i was, that i was always terrified my entire life... And i was always miserable, just by being alive.... That i was also happy.......


(cueue the memory flashback of my life).....




For the damaged...

I dont think i'll ever find the guy who could kiss all my scars... I dont think he'll ever get there, no matter how perfect he would be... Nobody can ever manage to reach beyond the screaming hurricane, and beyond all the metal walls with spikes, and all the raging frost...

Nobody... Nobody can ever save me now...

And in the end, all this time, beside me is the little girl whispering, the walls wont save you... Nothing will save you... Coz there's no one, there never was, and there never will be... And you're all alone amongst all the screaming voices of memories in your head.... You were just really all alone, all this time....

Make it easier..... You'll learn to say when...

Signal when you cant breathe, no more.....




Ataraxia 191003

In the eye of the storm...


I woke up to a booming thunder, and realized there was a storm raging outside. But when i finally walked out of the door to the back porch, i found the mid afternoon bright and sunny... Well semi bright.. But the light still hurt my eyes. And the raucous chirping of those damn birds hurt my brain....

When i sat down to gulp my coffee i looked out to the garden and realized the destruction around me.. Leaves everywhere, and fallen trees....

Then within a few minutes everything turned dark again, the sound of the chirping birds and insects all stopped. Thought to myself we must be near the eyewall already. I was listening to the howling wind in the distance, waiting for the sirens to start blaring, when i realized...

What i thought was howling wind actually sounded like my voice screaming in the deep recesses of the back of my mind....

My mind's eyes i suddenly saw myself back up in my high lonely tower, trapped, screaming my head off as i watched everything around me decimated into shattered pieces...




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


As i walked up the the curb and made my way to the dark alley, there was this guy, some junkie, sitting on the corner of the alleyway who stood up to stop me..

"Where do you think you're going?"

I pointed to the darkness in the alley. "There."

He looked at the little girl in front of him and smiled a shit eating smile..

"You cant go there, you're a princess. And people like you dont go to places like that."

He gave a hearty laugh, then this time smiled like he was going to eat me. Then he looked into my eyes, and stopped laughing.

"Your eyes.. "

For a moment, fear went across his face, which quickly turned to menace.

"My irises are twice as big as they should be? And twice as dark?"

My turn to laugh the sinister laugh i've always loved.

"I took a long time, and great pains, to make sure nobody ever sees whats behind my eyes ever again."

Then i smiled, a smile that i loved seeing on my face. The smile that both terrified me as the sound of a thousand souls screaming, and made me feel.... Happy....

But it made him run away.... Tsk, too bad....




Ataraxia 190930

Agoraphobia

What it feels like... I've been there enough times, to know... What it feels like... I remember how it feels like.....

I knew they were just doors and gates, and walls that you can walk thru, and jump over... Boundaries, that i can easily overcome...

And i wasnt afraid... They were just doors....

What bothered me was the walls i built around my mind... To keep me safe..... And i was strong, and i was safe.....

Doors arent meant to keep you in... They were meant to keep everyone else out, and keep you safe....