Lux Aterna....

Lux Aeterna

See i'm not supposed to be alive right now... I could count all the handful of times i should have already died.. Since i was little... But i'm still here.... And for what?...

I could imagine, when i was young, and the time that they had pulled me out of the pool and i was already blue, and my dad was trying to beat my chest to ressucitate me..... I imagined that there was a great battle between the stars then...... Well the stars couldnt settle their dispute, so the universe split into two......


For a while now, and mostly for the past year or so, i've been haunted by dreams... By dreams and memories of the lifetimes.... Of lifetimes that i realize now, that ive never had...

And in every single one of them you were in it... Like the one on one of them, you and your guards had finally caught up to me and got me, the little thief... And while you were deliberating what to do with me, and your guards had their backs turned, i ran... And jumped off the cliff...... I could still remember the sound of your voice while you were shouting after me...

But it was never real...

Like my memory of last month, when i asked you about you supposedly telling me about the chaos theory, and i sat, drinking, listening to every word you said.....

But i'm not sure anymore which memory was, or wasnt real....

Just like i'm not sure anymore if i'm supposed to be here right now....


Maybe in another lifetime, you, and i would be real...

But i know now, this isnt the one... Because in this life, i'm the girl who died empty and lonely... I was a girl in this life, who had all of the monsters screaming in my head, all the time... Telling me in this life I'm the girl who died of a broken heart......


And maybe, tomorrow, maybe in this lifetime tomorrow you'll wake up, just like all the people who knew me would wake up.. And you would just remember me as a dream... Not a memory, but just... A deja vu... Of something they try, but just couldnt remember....

And all the world and universe would be right... Just because i wasnt here anymore... Because i never really existed....



Maybe in another lifetime they would... And maybe, in another lifetime the monsters would stop screaming in my head that they'd come for me.... Maybe... in a parallel universe, where i'd meet you for the first time again, and i'd see you and i'd think to myself, could anything be more perfect... And then finally, i'd realize, in that moment, all would be still, and all would be quiet..... Because i was finally supposed to be here... And then i'd finally truly feel.... Happy, and at peace....