Ataraxia 19092002

Hi, my name is Anne...

I guess you're probly wondering what someone like me is doing in a place like this...

Well the thing is, i was wondering, how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, until i realize, enough is enough?

See i've repeated it to people over and over, "i'm not an alcoholic, i swear"... I guess the truth is that i was just trying to convince myself that the painful truth is just a lie...

But how many times.. How many times, do i have to repeat it to myself to convince myself... That the reality is, maybe this time, i've really finally hit rock bottom... No....

The rock bottom was when, yesterday something came up, reality hit, and i've been trying to be sober, but all i could think about in that point in time was that i cant deal with this sober...

And rock bottom was when, last night i basically destroyed who i was, i decimatwd my soul, in front of all my friends.. I basically told myself fuck that, and smashed my soul to bits... No, rock bottom was when i told everyone to basically fuck off. The people who love me, and who i love... That they could all just go and fuck themselves...

And rock bottom was when, last week i let the brand new bottle of rum, i clumsily dropped it and the bottle shattered all over the floor.. And i was considering if i should lick the booze off from the floor coz it was sayang, but then i cut myself when i tried to pick up the shards... And the cut wouldnt stop bleeding for some time.. But i still managed to have another bottle bought....

And rock bottom was the week before that, when i slipped going down the stairs, and went sliding and skidding, till i smashed my face on the concrete.. Yeah good thing it was the concrete, coz a few inches and my face would have smashed into glass... And i had a concussion for a few days, but fuck it, i didnt really feel pukey enough so i could still drink...

And rock bottom was when... And when... And when....



No.....

Rock bottom was last night, when someone told me (one of the people i told they can go fuck themselves.. Well they told me,

"I hope that someday soon you're able to come to terms with whatever it is that's causing you to self-medicate to the degree that you do."

... And all the times, all the rock bottoms, just hit me like a train.. Including that rock bottom that literally hit me in the head... No, the rock bottom before that...



.... Its enough, please.. its enough...

Please, its enough...